Ok, I’m back, and apparently I need help…As you know, I have been staying away, this is because I put back on 10 of the 17 pounds that I took off, and I have been binging more and more often.  I couldn’t face being here, and telling everyone that I failed.

I wish I could say that I have been trying to stick to a diet, or that I was absent because of work, or that I went on vacation for the past month, but I can’t.  I have spent a lot of time on my couch doing nothing but eating, playing Candy Crush, watching TV, and getting absolutely nothing done, I have no motivation to do anything.  My stomach has been aching and the only thing that fixes this ache is eating and so I decided to go to the doctors last week, because eating a carton of ice cream and pounds of chocolate and many other crappy items, should not make me feel better.

My doctor told me that he is almost 100% certain that I have a binge eating disorder.  Then he proceeded to say that it comes from my anxiety, and he tells me “You haven’t had the easiest 3 decades or so…” and I’m not paraphrasing, I’ve been seeing him as my family doctor since I was 15 so he knows me, and my family and my life!  The only thing was, I didn’t think my last 3 decades were all bad, yes, there were some defining moments, but, I am usually a positive person, I don’t complain much, and I usually keep my head up, so it surprised me that he feels I have had a lot to deal with.  He set me up with a social worker to begin with, and he will discuss possibly medicating at a later date along with the possibility of speaking with a psychiatrist.

Today was my first visit with the social worker, he’s an older gentleman, and seems very nice, and I feel like he wants to help, but I don’t know if he can.  One of the things he said is that I need to feel my pain, I don’t know how to do this.  I thought I did.  He says I need to talk and let things out, well, I talk all the time, I don’t hide anything, there aren’t topics that I don’t discuss, I talk about everything all the time, so I don’t know how to talk about things differently then I’m already talking about them.  He told me I am great at talking, but apparently I am not feeling my emotions.  I laugh too much, he asked me what I would do if I wasn’t laughing, I know what he wanted to hear…cry, right?  But why?  I do cry, but I just met him and didn’t want to come off as this blubbering fool:  “Oh poor, poor, pitiful me, my life is just horrible, please fix me…” My life isn’t horrible, but I’m not happy with me, unhappy is actually an understatement, I hate me right now, the way I look, the way I feel, what I eat, my lack of motivation…I can go on…but why?  He said what would you need to be happy, I said I would need to be 30-50 pounds less, and I would like to make more money.  Apparently, that was the wrong answer.

So, he suggested around 6-8 sessions with him, so I’ll be going once a week for the next 6-8 weeks.

I decided to come back and write about some of my past, some of the crap that I have been through,  I don’t feel like it’s buried, I don’t hide anything, and I talk about the worst things that happened in my life all the time, but I decided to put it all down on here, lay it all on the table, and maybe this will help me to feel the emotion that I am apparently lacking, I hate to sound so depressed, and I am basically here to warn you the next few blogs won’t be happy-go-lucky positive stories that will motivate you.  But apparently, I need to do this for me, and if this helps and the outcome is me 30-50 pounds lighter, then I am going to give it a shot.  I know, I bet that was the wrong answer again.  Apparently, humour is my defence mechanism…


5 thoughts on “Diagnosis…

  1. “Failure is is falling down. Failure is remaining where you’ve fallen.”

    I am feeling your pain right now! The past couple of weeks, my eating has been off the chart! I am feeling like a slug and I REALLY HATE MYSELF at this point in time. I SUCK at meal planning. I SUCK at food preparation. I WANT a QUICK FIX . . . for food AND for weight loss!

    Sweetie, you are NOT ALONE in your struggle right now!!!! I am now breaking things down to one minute at a time because I feel so out of control where food is! 😦

    In order to move forward, we have to dig deep and face some of the ugliness of our past. We have to learn to forgive. If we cannot forgive, we have to let go.

    Notice I am saying WE? You and I are on this journey TOGETHER!! We can get through this TOGETHER!! 2016 IS OUR YEAR!!

    Just remember . . .

    “A small DETOUR doesn’t mean you have to STOP! It just means it may take a little longer to get there.”

    ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are my rock! I need to try to get here and at least read everyday, it is good to know that others have the same struggles, and it is motivating to hear that their stories are similar to mine. I need to dig a bit deeper and pull some things out of the past, deal with them and let them go. Thank you for being here and reiterating what I have a hard time telling myself, this IS our year, and it’s far from over yet!

      Liked by 1 person

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