Ok, I’m back, and apparently I need help…As you know, I have been staying away, this is because I put back on 10 of the 17 pounds that I took off, and I have been binging more and more often. I couldn’t face being here, and telling everyone that I failed.
I wish I could say that I have been trying to stick to a diet, or that I was absent because of work, or that I went on vacation for the past month, but I can’t. I have spent a lot of time on my couch doing nothing but eating, playing Candy Crush, watching TV, and getting absolutely nothing done, I have no motivation to do anything. My stomach has been aching and the only thing that fixes this ache is eating and so I decided to go to the doctors last week, because eating a carton of ice cream and pounds of chocolate and many other crappy items, should not make me feel better.
My doctor told me that he is almost 100% certain that I have a binge eating disorder. Then he proceeded to say that it comes from my anxiety, and he tells me “You haven’t had the easiest 3 decades or so…” and I’m not paraphrasing, I’ve been seeing him as my family doctor since I was 15 so he knows me, and my family and my life! The only thing was, I didn’t think my last 3 decades were all bad, yes, there were some defining moments, but, I am usually a positive person, I don’t complain much, and I usually keep my head up, so it surprised me that he feels I have had a lot to deal with. He set me up with a social worker to begin with, and he will discuss possibly medicating at a later date along with the possibility of speaking with a psychiatrist.
Today was my first visit with the social worker, he’s an older gentleman, and seems very nice, and I feel like he wants to help, but I don’t know if he can. One of the things he said is that I need to feel my pain, I don’t know how to do this. I thought I did. He says I need to talk and let things out, well, I talk all the time, I don’t hide anything, there aren’t topics that I don’t discuss, I talk about everything all the time, so I don’t know how to talk about things differently then I’m already talking about them. He told me I am great at talking, but apparently I am not feeling my emotions. I laugh too much, he asked me what I would do if I wasn’t laughing, I know what he wanted to hear…cry, right? But why? I do cry, but I just met him and didn’t want to come off as this blubbering fool: “Oh poor, poor, pitiful me, my life is just horrible, please fix me…” My life isn’t horrible, but I’m not happy with me, unhappy is actually an understatement, I hate me right now, the way I look, the way I feel, what I eat, my lack of motivation…I can go on…but why? He said what would you need to be happy, I said I would need to be 30-50 pounds less, and I would like to make more money. Apparently, that was the wrong answer.
So, he suggested around 6-8 sessions with him, so I’ll be going once a week for the next 6-8 weeks.
I decided to come back and write about some of my past, some of the crap that I have been through, I don’t feel like it’s buried, I don’t hide anything, and I talk about the worst things that happened in my life all the time, but I decided to put it all down on here, lay it all on the table, and maybe this will help me to feel the emotion that I am apparently lacking, I hate to sound so depressed, and I am basically here to warn you the next few blogs won’t be happy-go-lucky positive stories that will motivate you. But apparently, I need to do this for me, and if this helps and the outcome is me 30-50 pounds lighter, then I am going to give it a shot. I know, I bet that was the wrong answer again. Apparently, humour is my defence mechanism…