Well, I Did It…And I Didn’t Do It…

Hi Folks,

I completed the 30 day blog challenge and only messed up a little towards the end, I do hope that you enjoyed, that was a lot of sharing.  Yay!

So my life these days, well, just ok.  I fell off track with food last Thursday at a B2B Expo (Trade Show) in Oakville, they had free booze and people wandering around with food, so I helped myself, only 2 small beers over the course of a 7 hour period, and lots of hors d’ouvres.  Then there was Friday night, that was one of my best friends birthday’s it was dinner out with drinks, I had  good meal, I had the salmon and didn’t eat the potatoes, and I drank a lot, then we came back to the house, and continued to drink some more.

Then the rest of the weekend was filled with bad food, bacon and eggs, a bag of cheese popcorn, mint chocolate girl guide cookies,  candy bars from Halloween that I hadn’t cheated on before, you name it I had it…Pizza, Mr. Sub, and Tim Horton’s in one weekend…Yup…I suck.

The rest of my week hasn’t been great, I haven’t weighed myself because the last time I did I was up 2 pounds, so only a 9 pound loss, and I am sure I’m up even more now.  It’s also that time of the month for me, so that’s not going to help.

When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.  It has always been that way, even though I was doing so well, and without, processed food, any grains and sugar, I didn’t crave anything, but it is so hard to get back to that again.

This weekend won’t help either, it is our annual tree decorating weekend and cookie swap.  So you guessed it, there will be cookies, and then us ladies all get together and do more drinking and eating while we catch up.  It is a good night, but this will lead to another week of me being off the rails, and by now, you know me, go big or go home, when I fall, I fall HARD.

Part of me says fuck it…we can start again in January, but the flip side of me says, ok, so you are messing up, it is baby steps and you gotta do this one day at a time, and today is a good day to start again.  I have continued going to the gym, and I’m hoping that is helping, and I really praying that I am burning more calories than I’m eating, however, that would mean that I would have to burn 5 zillion calories in a one hour period at the gym.   Hey, maybe it’s possible..LOL

So, let’s end this on a positive note, so I fucked up.  I got to enjoy crap that I haven’t had for 6-8 weeks, and I have made progress by continuing to go to the gym.  I do feel good, and I can get back to this.  I will get back to this, and I am going to get back to this.  Why does it have to be so fucking hard.

 

Really?? 1/2 an Effing Pound!

So, I’ve been able to keep up with the blog challenge, that is on the plus side.

Last week, I mentioned, I was going to visit with a friend, my long-time friend, it was her birthday weekend, I was supposed to stay the whole weekend, but as it turned out, she had to go out of town Saturday night, so I only stayed over from Friday till Saturday and then went home Saturday evening.

On Friday night, we had a few beers and I made a spicy pinto bean dip with cheese from my Always Hungry book and we all munched on that, so far so good, carrots and dip.  I hadn’t had beers in a long while, it was a good night, my son loves going to visit his auntie and uncle, they are like big kids themselves, so they have a lot of fun with Devin, watching movies and playing video games, and I got to do a lot of catching up with good friends.  We stayed up to the wee hours of the morning and woke around 11 and went for lunch.

We went out for ramen to an amazing little place called Kenzo Ramen and Saturday for lunch would be the first time that I had grains in about a month.  It was sooo good, like amazingly good.  I ate my whole bowl of Tonkotsu Ramen and it was fantastic.

That was my big cheating weekend, the beers on Friday and the ramen on Saturday.  Because I didn’t end up staying till Sunday, I came home and went back to my normal diet, and didn’t have any more beers.  I even went to the gym on Sunday which would have been impossible had I stayed another night.

I was totally on track all day Monday, and went to the gym and did my first ever spin class.  It was really hard.  I also did another spin class first thing Tuesday morning, after my weigh in, where I was up .5 of a pound.  I know, it’s nothing, and it’s so good for a weekend of cheating, but I was totally and wholly disappointed this morning.  Why does it have to be so hard.  Really, it was a few beers and a bowl of Ramen, and that took away not only from losing anything but it put on half a pound?  Does that make any sense at all?

I feel like I had some wins, but when I am up 1/2 a pound, I feel like I’m doing this for no reason, I could have easily cheated the whole weekend, I could have not gone to the gym and I feel like I would have still been up that 1/2 a pound.  You might say that I might have been up more, but really, we don’t really know that, and I don’t find this fair.  I’m on a bit of a teeter totter right now, and when I feel disappointed, I want to just throw the towel in.  I am really trying to keep going and staying on track and my teeter totter is still going in that direction, but if I get another week like this one, then I know me, I will fall off track and give in to the foods that I actually want to eat, because I will start feeling deprived.

I don’t mind carrying on with a “lifestyle change” as long as I am seeing the benefit, but when I stop seeing changes, and when the scale goes up, then I start to wonder, why the fuck am I doing this?

It was an excellent weekend, but now I feel like I can’t have any of those weekends if I really want to lose the weight, I thought I did so well, staying on track with food the whole time I was there (outside of the light beer) and then it was only the Ramen on Saturday.  If that tipped the scale, what will a binge weekend do?  What will all the upcoming events around the holidays do?  I feel like I can’t have any fun if I want to lose weight.

This was my rant, this week, I am going to stick with it, and I don’t have any plans this weekend to mess things up, so my goal is to get down to 168.  This is only a pound and a 1/2, the 1/2 that I already worked off once, and one extra pound.  Before the end of November, I would like to be at 165.  I’m trying to keep my goals realistic. This is about a pound a week.

just-keep-going

Wish me luck, and if you have any advice, I’d love to hear it.

Jenn

 

Blog Challenge – Day 8

What Are 5 Passions You Have?

This is going to be a tough one; I don’t feel like I’m very passionate about anything these days.

  1. My kids, they seem to be the top of any list.
  2. My career, I do love my job.
  3. Writing, I enjoy writing, and I enjoy blogging.
  4. Food, I love food, food is my best friend and my worst enemy, but I like to think I am a very good cook, and I’m even getting there with baking too.
  5. The gym, this is a growing passion, right now I am very passionate about the gym, I hope to keep this momentum up, but sometimes, I start something and am passionate for a while, then I stop. I’d like to keep this up.

Back To It

So, it’s been a really long time since I have been here.  I apologise, I was not in a good head space, and was not able to blog or get things out.  I’m also not done with letting things go, so I will get back to that soon too.

But today, I am going to update my weight and restart my journey.  I took a long hiatus, and now I am going to get back to it.

This summer I topped out at 175 pounds, this is higher than I have ever been, I hate myself for getting there.  Things hurt, I hate me, and I went to a very dark place.  I spent many weekends on my couch, just watching TV, napping, eating and drinking.  I would tell my friends who wanted to see me that I was busy, and I would sit there in the dark and hate me until I had to leave to pick up my son, or get up and go to work.  I put on a good face for the kids, and walked with them and did things with them, but once they weren’t here for a weekend or a night, I would lose myself in my darkness.

I am down to 172 pounds right now, and I am also down 3 inches in my waist.  It’s not great it’s only 3 pounds, but I’m getting there.

In September, I went to visit a very good friend of mine, Patti, the kids and I went down together, left Canada, and ventured into the US to meet this beautiful soul.  I am so grateful to her, she was the one that propelled me into starting my journey again.  In fact, it was because of her blog, that I am writing tonight.  With Patti’s positivity, she pulled me out of my depression.  She got me back on track and I will always be indebted to her for this.

When I was in the US visiting with Patti, she bought me a book, it’s called Always Hungry  written by Dr. David Ludwig.  I can’t thank her enough.  This is what I have been following for the last few weeks.  I have seen a change in the way I feel, I haven’t been craving the sweets, ice cream, chips and McDonalds that I usually crave.  I’m not counting calories, but I am following the plan the best I can.

I also started Zumba, I go two nights a week, and, I am terrible at it, but I love it.  Another friend of mine introduced me to it, I met her through work, I’m in outside sales, and I called on her so often that we became friends and now we do Zumba together!  🙂

I have also been trying to walk after dinner, with the weather getting colder and wetter lately, it’s not going great, but I do try.  I’m here for the long haul, I am going to try to keep this new way of living up as long as I can.  I need to do this, I need to change me and I want to continue feeling happier, and I want my body not to hurt anymore.

I’m back.

Pregnancy # 2

So after having Jessica, I settled into motherhood quite nicely for a teenage mother.  She was such a good baby, she slept 12 hours through the night at 2 1/2 weeks, she was walking by the time she was 9 months old, and talking full sentences by a year.  She was exactly text book, every doctors appointment we had, she was exactly in the 50th percentile, for height and weight, in the first year.  She very rarely ever cried and even when she woke up, she would just talk, which is funny, because 22 years later, she’s still like that…Sleep for hours and wake up talking!  🙂

Shortly after Jessica turned one, I found out that I was pregnant again.   Actually, I tried to deny for quite sometime that I was pregnant again.  I had a missed period in March, but ignored it for a bit, and then April came and went and still no period, so in May I finally went to see my doctor.  I said I think I’m pregnant, and he said we’ll do a blood test to confirm, when was your last period?  I said February, and he said, ok, so urine test it is…

I was going to be in trouble, again.  What were we going to do?  Jack had been cheating on me and still partying and pretty much leaving every weekend to stay at his parents place.  We still had some good times, but he was still so young and I took to being a parent rather well, but he didn’t so much, never changed a diaper, gave a bath, or even fed Jessica.  He would hold her, and play with her, and he loved her, he was sweet to her, but he was more of a big brother than a father.  So, we were growing a little further apart each day.

However, with the news of this pregnancy, I knew I couldn’t be a single mom with 2 kids, so I decided to make it work, we talked and he was 100% in too, we were determined to pull it together and have this second baby.

My second pregnancy was relatively normal, I didn’t have morning sickness, I felt good, but my issue was, I wasn’t gaining any weight.  (Funnily enough, this is currently not my issue, but, I’m writing to be able to let go of things to lose weight)  I was 9 months pregnant and still just wearing loose track pants and sweatshirts or large T-shirts (Clothes that I don’t fit into right now, and I’m currently not pregnant).  I believe that I actually lost weight being pregnant with Jeffery.

We decided on Jeffery’s name very early on, I didn’t gain a lot of weight, but I still had a baby belly, and Jessica called it Jeffery, she would talk to my tummy and tell her brother stories, and once we were out front a restaurant having a drink waiting for Jack, and a pregnant woman walked by and Jessica said “Look, Mommy, that lady has a Jeffery too!”  I laughed so hard, I had to tell her that her baby was probably not a Jeffery, but ours was.

So, while I was pregnant with Jeffery, Jack and I moved in with his Uncle because our landlord was moving his daughter back in so he was kicking us out, and we didn’t have anywhere else to go.  His uncle was a good man, he has since passed away, but Jessica just adored him, and I miss him a lot.  The house however, was a very drafty, one story no basement, we had two connecting rooms in the back of the house, Jessica had one with her crib and we had a pull out couch in the other.  We shared the kitchen and bathroom.

At this time, Jack’s other uncle was starting to build a cottage out close to Algonquin, so Jack was going out – essentially drinking and partying all weekend long at the trailer, and I stayed at the house with Jack’s uncle.  This was most of the summer and into the fall.  On the weekend that Jeffery was due, Jack wanted to go with his cousin and uncle to help (help drink his beer) and I said no, that isn’t a good idea because I’m due very soon.  He fought with me about it, and how it usually went was like this:

Jack:  Yelling – Fine, if you want me to stay, I’ll stay

Me:  Yelling – If you’re going to be like that, just go

Jack: Leaves slamming something

Me:  Not seeing Jack the rest of the weekend

It was his M.O.  this way, he could do what he wanted.  So on this particular day, it went like this instead:

Jack:  Yelling – Fine, if you want me to stay, I’ll stay.

Me: Not Yelling – actually being very sweet – Thank You

He didn’t slam anything, and on Friday night he waved goodbye to the boys as his uncle left for the weekend.  But he was mad at me, he didn’t talk to me much, he did stay in the same room, but I knew he was fuming because I made him stay.

So Saturday morning, I feel something, I tell Jack, Jack says no you don’t.  We drive out to his friends shop out in the country, and every now and then I feel a twinge, and he basically tells me I’m lying.  After lunch we take Jessica to the lake to feed the birds, and every now and then, I’m still feeling something, but at this point he has Jessica at the lake feeding the birds and I was a little ways back, so I didn’t complain, and I figure he doesn’t believe me anyway, he thinks I’m just saying it because I made him stay.

So that night, Jack is watching Pulp Fiction, and I say, ok, I think we need to go to the hospital, and he says wait till the movie is over, the worst part is we had a black box, remember them?  They would play the latest movies – maybe 5 of them, over and over again, so he had already seen Pulp Fiction several times.  Then a couple of our other friends come in to the house and ask if we want to go to the bar, I say no, I’m having a baby and friend says, you don’t have to drink…I’m now getting frustrated, and my contractions are getting much closer together.

I finally get Jessica ready to go to his Aunt’s house who lives in the same town as Jack’s parents, and Jack finally decides to drive me, the drive to the town is 20 minutes, and then back to the hospital another 20-25 minutes, so we get to Jack’s aunts place and I have a big contraction and she is so excited and says how far apart are your contractions.  I say 5 minutes, and double over in 2 minutes with another one.  Then Jack says lets stop at my mom and dad’s and I’m like really??  So we stop in and I have contraction, (also had many in the car) and Jack’s Mom says, how far apart are your contractions and I double over have another one and say 5 minutes – I have to believe it is 5 minutes, because this baby is coming now, if I don’t!

So we get to the hospital, at about midnight, and I have the nurse from hell again, mind you, this was probably me this time, after being checked and coming out of the bathroom, the nurse says your husband has gone down the hall to admit you, and me being the idiot I am says, he’s not my husband, so then the nurse got snippy, well whoever you came with then, and then I said I want an epidural, and she says how do you know you need that, and I say because I don’t want it to hurt like last time, she lightened up when she found out it was my second.  By 12:45 I call my dad and let him know I am here, and at 1:03am I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, 6 lbs 12 oz.  Jeffery is here!

Teenage Angst

By the time I got to my teenage years, I hated my mother.  She was still crazy, and most of time she just wasn’t very nice.  When I was growing up, I was very shy, so I didn’t have a lot of friends, and my best friend at the time, was a year younger than me.  One day, when I was 12, I came home from school, it was an ordinary day, I went to the bathroom and realized that I got my period, however, I didn’t know what was actually happening, they didn’t prepare us at my school, and my mother never told me anything, and I didn’t hear it from any of my friends.  My mother had her own ensuite and I never went there or looked in her garbage, so I was totally unaware of this horrible event that had befallen me.  The only saving grace was that it didn’t happen at school and I was wearing darker pants.  I called my mom at work in a panic, and my mother being the wonderful person she is started laughing, like hysterically, she couldn’t catch her breath, I was holding the phone with toilet paper stuffed in my underwear, sure that I was dying, and my mother, was laughing her ass off…Wow…She tells me that there are sanitary napkins in the laundry room in a large garbage bag, apparently my dad would take them from the school he worked at, but that is a whole other story….put one in my underwear and she would talk to me when she got home.  All she said when she got home was that this was normal, I was growing up, and it was called…my period.  I would say, this is probably where my moodiness would come in to play, and this really clashed with my mothers craziness.

We moved from this house the summer that I was turning 14.  And we moved to a new town, in a new region.  Really, it was about 15-20 minutes away by car, but I didn’t drive, and of course, you tell your best friend you will still visit and write, but you don’t, so that was that.

My mother got a job in the local mall, she was a hairdresser by trade, and did her schooling in Europe, so she could easily get work over the years.  She also lost this job because she would get her clients into the barber chair, and start talking about God, and being a born again Christian, and quoting the bible, well, it would make her clients very uncomfortable and she did eventually lose her job.

I did start to open up, and became more outgoing, and made friends, and I wasn’t the greatest kid, I would smoke, drink, skip school, I spent a lot of time at the mall my mom worked at – it was a big mall, and if it were during school hours, I would avoid her part of the mall so she wouldn’t see me, there was a time or two I was in the food court, smoking when she came to get her lunch, and I was sneaky, and never got caught.

My father was still working nights, and so, I would leave for several nights and not tell either of them where I was staying or what I was doing, I admit, I wasn’t the best child, sometimes, we had these conversations:

Mother:  Where are you going?

Me:  Out.

Mother:  When will you be home?

Me:  Later

Yeah, I was a peach.

Through my teen years, my mother would call me demon spawn, the devil’s own daughter, harlot, she actually called me harlot all my life, I thought it was a Hungarian word, I didn’t know until I was at a bush party when I was 15 and a girl called another girl a harlot, and I asked if she was Hungarian, how embarrassing, that was when I found out my mother had been calling me a whore for as long as I can remember.

My mother got a new job as an administrative assistant at an elevator company.  Shortly there after she announced to my father and I that she was in love with her boss, and they would be moving forward with a relationship.  Her boss, was a happily married man, and not even the least bit interested in my mother.

During that time, my dad, started looking at other houses in Pickering, and I was really excited, it was going to just be me and my dad, and we were moving and she was going to be gone, this was great.  Too bad it didn’t happen.  My mother got worse and worse, she was just mean, and of course she lost her job again.  She decided she was going to be an artist, she wrote a book, and basically just stayed at home water colouring and oil painting.  Oh and the violin, that was also a fun time, she was very bad at playing the violin.

Around this time, I also started to resent my father, he didn’t leave my mother, he was never there, and I had plenty of teenage angst to go around for everyone.

When I was 15 I moved in with a friend, and her mom took me in as a foster child, so she got assistance for having me there, it was nice, I enjoyed my time there, I felt like I had a family, I had a sister and a brother, and my foster mom had a boyfriend, and he was great, they treated me well.  However, all the pets, including my cat that I moved with me, had fleas, and they all slept on my bed with me.  I got many, many flea bites, and was very allergic to the flea bites, mostly on my legs, but they were terrible.  On my 16th birthday, my foster family took me out to a Mexican restaurant, they had a foil balloon that said sweet sixteen, my foster sister bought me the latest Jon Bon Jovi tape – Blaze of Glory – the Young Guns soundtrack – released on my birthday, it was amazing.  Such a difference from my home, my mother asked if I would visit, so I did, I won’t lie, part of me wanted my gift.  But I was the fool, I got a card, and the card said, “If you were a better daughter, we might have put money in this card.”  They invited me over for that?  Wow, it was a 45 minute walk and they did nothing for me.  I can tell you, I wasn’t the greatest kid, but why call me over, to do that.

So, shortly after that, things fell apart with my foster family, I believe that I overstayed my welcome, I spent a few nights with another friend and then I moved back home.  By now, I had met the father of my first 2 babies, let’s call him Jack, short for Jackass, he’s not that bad, but we’ll go with it,  I was burning bridges everywhere, my friends turned against me when we started dating, I had been seeing someone else, but then went home with Jack, it was purely innocent, we did a lot of talking, and nothing happened, we did click, but I decided to end it with the first guy before I started anything with Jack, my friends on the other hand thought that I was a cheater and a liar, and they all stopped talking to me, that lasted a few years, which really just pushed me and Jack together, I also decided to drop out of school.  Yup, everything was turning up roses.

Thus begins the era of Jack.  More on that next time, I thought I could get out all my teenage years, turns out, a lot happened.

 

Session 2

momentum

Today, I met with my social worker again, he asked me to write my life story for him and have it ready for next Tuesday when we meet again.  Today, was the first day in a long time that I didn’t binge eat.  Not one cookie, no chocolate, no chips, and no crap.

I probably had a little too much for dinner, which was rice, chicken teriyaki, and some Japanese condiments, with green tea but the small win for today is I made dinner.

My other small win, I went for a walk with the kids, my son rode his scooter, and my daughter and I walked and talked, it was nice, I am hoping that getting out more will help my mood.  The walk was 3.82 km, and I was a little out of breath but this was the first walk in a long time, in fact, this was the closest thing to cardio for a very long time, but I am hoping to get out to do this or another route at least 4 days a week to start.

I wanted to find out how far I was walking so I signed up to Map My Walk:  http://www.mapmywalk.com/ Let me know what you think of this program.

This evening, I have been writing my life story, I am doing it in pen, and I will be blogging each section, to assist me in getting things out.  Apparently, I can talk, but I don’t feel my emotions, when I speak my story.  I don’t know how better to do this, but I am going to do my best to get things out, and do my best to feel me getting these things out.

Wish me luck!