Day 2 – 20 Facts About Me

Ok, so I am still trying to catch up here, so this is really day 3, but we’re just a little behind.

20 Facts About Me

  1. I have 3 kids.
  2. I have a job, in sales.
  3. I have some really great friends!
  4. I am separated from my ex and am hopefully going to be divorced soon.
  5. I recently had my gallbladder removed.
  6. I hate butterflies.
  7. I struggle with my weight.
  8. I struggle with my self-esteem
  9. I struggle with depression.
  10. I love chocolate, a lot.
  11. I drive a 12 year old Pontiac Vibe.
  12. I live in Pickering.
  13. I am Canadian.
  14. I have long brown hair.
  15. I love ice cream, too much.
  16. I love to play cards, though I never get the chance.
  17. I bake an amazing banana bread.
  18. I am half Japanese and half Hungarian
  19. I love to read.
  20. I love to travel.

That was harder than I expected it to be, I could have gone way more in depth, but I chose to leave it fairly open, I feel like I can expand on these in upcoming blogs as part of the challenge or not.

Jenn

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Well, I Did It…And I Didn’t Do It…

Hi Folks,

I completed the 30 day blog challenge and only messed up a little towards the end, I do hope that you enjoyed, that was a lot of sharing.  Yay!

So my life these days, well, just ok.  I fell off track with food last Thursday at a B2B Expo (Trade Show) in Oakville, they had free booze and people wandering around with food, so I helped myself, only 2 small beers over the course of a 7 hour period, and lots of hors d’ouvres.  Then there was Friday night, that was one of my best friends birthday’s it was dinner out with drinks, I had  good meal, I had the salmon and didn’t eat the potatoes, and I drank a lot, then we came back to the house, and continued to drink some more.

Then the rest of the weekend was filled with bad food, bacon and eggs, a bag of cheese popcorn, mint chocolate girl guide cookies,  candy bars from Halloween that I hadn’t cheated on before, you name it I had it…Pizza, Mr. Sub, and Tim Horton’s in one weekend…Yup…I suck.

The rest of my week hasn’t been great, I haven’t weighed myself because the last time I did I was up 2 pounds, so only a 9 pound loss, and I am sure I’m up even more now.  It’s also that time of the month for me, so that’s not going to help.

When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.  It has always been that way, even though I was doing so well, and without, processed food, any grains and sugar, I didn’t crave anything, but it is so hard to get back to that again.

This weekend won’t help either, it is our annual tree decorating weekend and cookie swap.  So you guessed it, there will be cookies, and then us ladies all get together and do more drinking and eating while we catch up.  It is a good night, but this will lead to another week of me being off the rails, and by now, you know me, go big or go home, when I fall, I fall HARD.

Part of me says fuck it…we can start again in January, but the flip side of me says, ok, so you are messing up, it is baby steps and you gotta do this one day at a time, and today is a good day to start again.  I have continued going to the gym, and I’m hoping that is helping, and I really praying that I am burning more calories than I’m eating, however, that would mean that I would have to burn 5 zillion calories in a one hour period at the gym.   Hey, maybe it’s possible..LOL

So, let’s end this on a positive note, so I fucked up.  I got to enjoy crap that I haven’t had for 6-8 weeks, and I have made progress by continuing to go to the gym.  I do feel good, and I can get back to this.  I will get back to this, and I am going to get back to this.  Why does it have to be so fucking hard.

 

Blog Challenge – Day 24

Describe Your Family Dynamic of Your Childhood vs. Your Family Dynamic Now

Well, those that have read my past blogs know that I didn’t have the best home life, my mother was bi-polar and my dad worked evenings so really wasn’t around to protect me from her.   My parents were middle class, both worked, my mother was a hair dresser and my father was a caretaker at a school.  They owned their home and we moved quite a few times, my mother always wanted a bigger and better house.  I was the only child and both my parents were together until I left home the second time when I was 16.  That was when they separated, my mother moved to Israel to look for God and my dad moved to a new house.

My family dynamic today is I am a single mom with 2 kids, I do own my own home and I work.  Right now, we are lower middle class, and I am trying to work my way up the ladder to a better status.  I did go through a depression over the last year, but outside of that, I don’t have any mental health issues, and I have never hurt my children.  I don’t plan on moving from here till my son is starting high school, but I do plan on staying in the area.  My daughter is 22 and still lives at home, where she is probably a little too comfortable, but for now, that’s ok.  There isn’t nearly as much drama in my life now, than in my childhood.  Things are relatively quiet and good, our family is loving and kind and I think I put a lot of what I didn’t have growing up into my life because this is how I wanted my childhood to be.

Blog Challenge – Day 9

 List 10 People Who Have Influenced You and Describe How.

  1. The first influential person in my life was my father, he worked very hard and smart and instilled in me the need to work smart and not hard, to do the best I can in any situation and to not quit anything that I start. He raised me to always try and do the right thing, no matter how difficult the right decision is sometimes.  He is generous and always told me if others need things more than I do, to let them have it.  I see a lot of him in me.
  2. My uncle Stan who told me that math was important and helped me to understand it better by giving me poker chips to learn to add, I was about 5 or so, and I remember how much it did help me.
  3. Anita, maybe at 6 she wasn’t a good influence, but an influence nonetheless, she showed me independence, we did a lot of things together without our parents knowing, and she taught me how not to get caught and how to get away with things.
  4. Jennifer – my best friend’s, mom, she was one of the biggest influences in my life; she showed me what a family was, and accepted me into hers with open arms. She is a wonderful mother, friend, and cancer survivor; she has an inner strength that I admire.
  5. Janice – My ex’s aunt. She is a beautiful person, she also taught me about family and love.  She would do anything for anyone, and still will, without any questions asked.  She is still and forever will be my Aunt Janice.
  6. Jeffery – my son, my guardian angel. He gave me a reason to believe there is something beyond this earth.  He gave me the opportunity to fully and unconditionally love him and his siblings and hold them close, he taught me that life is precious and that we need to value it and in an instant it can all be gone.
  7. Peter – my boss, the owner of a company I used to work for, he gave me my start in sales because he saw something in me. He, himself was a long time sales man, and he had a lot of experience, I learned a lot from him that I still use in my career today.
  8. Kelly, Ricardo, Sally, Nicole & Patti – These are those best friends, the ones that open their homes and their hearts, the ones that don’t give up on you when you are depressed, the ones that are in 100% of the time, the ones that show you how loved you really are. I am blessed to have so many friends in my life, but these ones, they are the best of the best and they make my life worth living.
  9. Jessica – my daughter, she was the one that made me a mother. She has the best sense of humour, she is an amazing person with an innate love for music, she has taught me more than any one person in my life so far.  I am grateful for her existence, and will continue learning from her.  She is my rock.
  10. Devin – my son, he is the love of my life. He is always showing me how to try, if it’s a new food, he tries it, if it’s a new sport, game or activity, he tries it.  A new carnival ride, a new to him carnival ride, a scary ride…he’ll try it.  Also, striving to work hard, he went from being a grade level behind in reading to being at the end of his grade level.  He completed all 10 levels of Red Cross swimming, at the age of 9.  He has started guitar, he doesn’t have a passion for it yet, but he practices every day, and never complains about his lesson.

Blog Challenge – Day 8

What Are 5 Passions You Have?

This is going to be a tough one; I don’t feel like I’m very passionate about anything these days.

  1. My kids, they seem to be the top of any list.
  2. My career, I do love my job.
  3. Writing, I enjoy writing, and I enjoy blogging.
  4. Food, I love food, food is my best friend and my worst enemy, but I like to think I am a very good cook, and I’m even getting there with baking too.
  5. The gym, this is a growing passion, right now I am very passionate about the gym, I hope to keep this momentum up, but sometimes, I start something and am passionate for a while, then I stop. I’d like to keep this up.

Pregnancy # 2

So after having Jessica, I settled into motherhood quite nicely for a teenage mother.  She was such a good baby, she slept 12 hours through the night at 2 1/2 weeks, she was walking by the time she was 9 months old, and talking full sentences by a year.  She was exactly text book, every doctors appointment we had, she was exactly in the 50th percentile, for height and weight, in the first year.  She very rarely ever cried and even when she woke up, she would just talk, which is funny, because 22 years later, she’s still like that…Sleep for hours and wake up talking!  🙂

Shortly after Jessica turned one, I found out that I was pregnant again.   Actually, I tried to deny for quite sometime that I was pregnant again.  I had a missed period in March, but ignored it for a bit, and then April came and went and still no period, so in May I finally went to see my doctor.  I said I think I’m pregnant, and he said we’ll do a blood test to confirm, when was your last period?  I said February, and he said, ok, so urine test it is…

I was going to be in trouble, again.  What were we going to do?  Jack had been cheating on me and still partying and pretty much leaving every weekend to stay at his parents place.  We still had some good times, but he was still so young and I took to being a parent rather well, but he didn’t so much, never changed a diaper, gave a bath, or even fed Jessica.  He would hold her, and play with her, and he loved her, he was sweet to her, but he was more of a big brother than a father.  So, we were growing a little further apart each day.

However, with the news of this pregnancy, I knew I couldn’t be a single mom with 2 kids, so I decided to make it work, we talked and he was 100% in too, we were determined to pull it together and have this second baby.

My second pregnancy was relatively normal, I didn’t have morning sickness, I felt good, but my issue was, I wasn’t gaining any weight.  (Funnily enough, this is currently not my issue, but, I’m writing to be able to let go of things to lose weight)  I was 9 months pregnant and still just wearing loose track pants and sweatshirts or large T-shirts (Clothes that I don’t fit into right now, and I’m currently not pregnant).  I believe that I actually lost weight being pregnant with Jeffery.

We decided on Jeffery’s name very early on, I didn’t gain a lot of weight, but I still had a baby belly, and Jessica called it Jeffery, she would talk to my tummy and tell her brother stories, and once we were out front a restaurant having a drink waiting for Jack, and a pregnant woman walked by and Jessica said “Look, Mommy, that lady has a Jeffery too!”  I laughed so hard, I had to tell her that her baby was probably not a Jeffery, but ours was.

So, while I was pregnant with Jeffery, Jack and I moved in with his Uncle because our landlord was moving his daughter back in so he was kicking us out, and we didn’t have anywhere else to go.  His uncle was a good man, he has since passed away, but Jessica just adored him, and I miss him a lot.  The house however, was a very drafty, one story no basement, we had two connecting rooms in the back of the house, Jessica had one with her crib and we had a pull out couch in the other.  We shared the kitchen and bathroom.

At this time, Jack’s other uncle was starting to build a cottage out close to Algonquin, so Jack was going out – essentially drinking and partying all weekend long at the trailer, and I stayed at the house with Jack’s uncle.  This was most of the summer and into the fall.  On the weekend that Jeffery was due, Jack wanted to go with his cousin and uncle to help (help drink his beer) and I said no, that isn’t a good idea because I’m due very soon.  He fought with me about it, and how it usually went was like this:

Jack:  Yelling – Fine, if you want me to stay, I’ll stay

Me:  Yelling – If you’re going to be like that, just go

Jack: Leaves slamming something

Me:  Not seeing Jack the rest of the weekend

It was his M.O.  this way, he could do what he wanted.  So on this particular day, it went like this instead:

Jack:  Yelling – Fine, if you want me to stay, I’ll stay.

Me: Not Yelling – actually being very sweet – Thank You

He didn’t slam anything, and on Friday night he waved goodbye to the boys as his uncle left for the weekend.  But he was mad at me, he didn’t talk to me much, he did stay in the same room, but I knew he was fuming because I made him stay.

So Saturday morning, I feel something, I tell Jack, Jack says no you don’t.  We drive out to his friends shop out in the country, and every now and then I feel a twinge, and he basically tells me I’m lying.  After lunch we take Jessica to the lake to feed the birds, and every now and then, I’m still feeling something, but at this point he has Jessica at the lake feeding the birds and I was a little ways back, so I didn’t complain, and I figure he doesn’t believe me anyway, he thinks I’m just saying it because I made him stay.

So that night, Jack is watching Pulp Fiction, and I say, ok, I think we need to go to the hospital, and he says wait till the movie is over, the worst part is we had a black box, remember them?  They would play the latest movies – maybe 5 of them, over and over again, so he had already seen Pulp Fiction several times.  Then a couple of our other friends come in to the house and ask if we want to go to the bar, I say no, I’m having a baby and friend says, you don’t have to drink…I’m now getting frustrated, and my contractions are getting much closer together.

I finally get Jessica ready to go to his Aunt’s house who lives in the same town as Jack’s parents, and Jack finally decides to drive me, the drive to the town is 20 minutes, and then back to the hospital another 20-25 minutes, so we get to Jack’s aunts place and I have a big contraction and she is so excited and says how far apart are your contractions.  I say 5 minutes, and double over in 2 minutes with another one.  Then Jack says lets stop at my mom and dad’s and I’m like really??  So we stop in and I have contraction, (also had many in the car) and Jack’s Mom says, how far apart are your contractions and I double over have another one and say 5 minutes – I have to believe it is 5 minutes, because this baby is coming now, if I don’t!

So we get to the hospital, at about midnight, and I have the nurse from hell again, mind you, this was probably me this time, after being checked and coming out of the bathroom, the nurse says your husband has gone down the hall to admit you, and me being the idiot I am says, he’s not my husband, so then the nurse got snippy, well whoever you came with then, and then I said I want an epidural, and she says how do you know you need that, and I say because I don’t want it to hurt like last time, she lightened up when she found out it was my second.  By 12:45 I call my dad and let him know I am here, and at 1:03am I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, 6 lbs 12 oz.  Jeffery is here!

My Mother

This is going to be the first of many blogs to help me get things off my chest, I need to learn to let go, possibly forgive, and move on, this needs to get done for my well being, and I am at a point that I need to try anything and everything to get me out of my negative head-space.  I want to preface this by saying that I have great friends who I talk with, my life is an open book and I speak of my trials and tribulations all the time, my social worker says that I am not feeling my emotions when I speak, so this is an attempt to get some emotions out and try to feel my words.

My mother is a Hungarian born woman, and she has always been a little unstable, I think being pregnant with me may have made her worse.  My mother suffered from what they called manic depression, which they now call bi-polar.

My father lived with her for a year, before they got married, and it was 4 years before they had me, in that 4 years, my dad realized that she wasn’t really stable, so he resigned himself to not actually having kids, even though he wanted to have a big family.  My mother used to tell me that my dad didn’t want kids, and the reason she became pregnant was because of the birth control pill, at the time it was very strong so her doctor suggested going off it for a year after she was on it for 4 years, so apparently, I was conceived, on the first month of going back on the pill after having a year off.  But this is only what I know from what I was told.

So anyway, I came along and in those days my mother and I stayed in the hospital for a week, so my dad decided it would be a good time to get a vasectomy.  He told me later that he feared that his kids would turn out like her and have mental health issues.

Most of my early years, I have only to go off of what I know from aunts, uncles, my dad’s side, my mother’s side, so bear with me.  When I was an infant, my mother was admitted into the hospital due to an episode – my family says it was a nervous breakdown, I think it may have been postpartum depression, anyway, I’m not exactly sure how long she was gone, but in my later years, when my dad’s side of the family would go on about how fat I was, my mother would tell me that it was my grandparents fault for feeding me every time I cried, while she was away.  I do have pictures of her at my 1st birthday, but then I was told that she came out of the hospital around my second birthday, I don’t have pictures of her at my second birthday, so I can’t verify this.  Between birth and 3, I know that she spent a lot of time in the hospital, and I basically lived with my grandparents, but I don’t know how much time, as there are many pictures with her in them at various times in the year, just not my second birthday.

My mother, from the time I could remember, wasn’t really a nice woman overall, she beat me with a wooden spoon, she dragged me home by my ear, this was probably pretty normal for the day and age, so I’m not really stuck on that, but on occasion, she would throw me, these were the times she wasn’t well.  She mostly just yelled though, a lot.  My mother, was sick, so when bad things happened, I was told my mother was sick.

When I was 5 years old, I was walking home from school, when one of the kids told me my mother was waiting with her car at the school, so I doubled back, and she asked me if I wanted to go to Disney Land, well what kid would say no to that, she had the car packed and we went to the airport, periodically, I would ask about my dad:

Me:  “Is Daddy coming?”

Mother:  “Of course, he will meet us at the airport.”

Me at the airport:  “Where is Daddy?”

Mother:  “He will meet us when we land.”

Me in California:  “Where is Daddy?”

Mother:  “He’ll be here tomorrow.”

You get the idea, and each day, I would ask, and she would tell me another lie.  So when we got to California, we stayed with a friend of my mother’s, she was a Jehovah’s Witness, and she had a little girl, all I really remember is that this little girl was awful, she wouldn’t share her toys and she had tons of them, all over the floor, you couldn’t even walk in her room, but if I picked something up, she would rip it out of my hands and tell me it was hers and she was my age.  We only stayed there for a night because the woman we were staying with and my mother fought, I don’t know why, my mother is unstable so that probably had the most to do with it.  Also, my mother had no money, so after this, we took another cab to the ocean, and we slept on the beach for a few days, I can’t remember how many, but my dad says we were gone for about a week, and I remember being on the beach for a long time.  One afternoon on the beach, my mother was napping, and one of those bicycle ice-cream guys went by, so I followed him, and  talked to him, and followed him and talked to him, and followed him and talked to him, and he finally gave me an ice-cream and told me to go.  Apparently, I was a little annoying, or maybe he was worried about my safety.  Anyway, I made my way back to where my mother was, but she had woken up at this time, so she was panicked and looking for me when she spotted me coming towards her.  She grabbed me, I dropped my ice-cream, and she started to hold my head in the ocean and kept telling me to never leave her again, after this was over, I was crying uncontrollably, and repeatedly asking for my father and asking to go home.  I think she hit rock bottom, she called my father he wired money and we went home.  My mother was admitted to the hospital again for around 4 months.

When I was 7, my mother was bathing me, and she was really nice, she told me that the circus was coming in a few months and that we should go, and I was very excited.  I remember doing something, nothing really bad, but by accident, and holding my breath and waiting for her to get upset, I think I dropped the soap out of the tub, I remember the feeling overall but not the action, but she was incredibly nice, picked up the soap, or over looked what I had done, and it was such a great night, well, while we were in the bathroom, my aunt and uncle came.  It was my mother’s sister and her husband.  My aunt took over with me and helped me get dressed into my PJ’s and housecoat and asked if I wanted to play hide and go seek, I told her I wasn’t allowed outside after my shower, and she laughed and said that we were going to hide at her house.  I was still a little concerned that my parents wouldn’t find me there, not because I was scared of my aunt, but that was a large boundary for hide and go seek.  As she was opening the downstairs door to the outside, there was a struggle at the upstairs door, so she quickly closed the door and asked to see my playroom in the back of the house in the basement of the bungalow.

As it turns out, my mother was not well again, the wonderful person I wanted her to be, was how she was when she wasn’t well, and my father and uncle were taking her back to the hospital.  I entered the hospital with my aunt, and we went through some doors looking for my dad, and in a hall to the right of me, there was my mother on a gurney, strapped down, and flailing like a mad woman.  My aunt tried to shield me, she didn’t expect my mother to be there and pushed me back out the door we just came in.  I lived with my aunt for the next 4 months.  I was with a Brownie pack at the time and we had a trip to the circus, my mother was released from the hospital that day, and the first time I seen in her in 4 months was at that circus.

That was the last time my mother went to the hospital.  Not that she was never unwell again, because she was, but she was pretty stable, and medicated till I was about 12.  More to come about my pre-teen and teen years with my mother at another time.