Well, I Did It…And I Didn’t Do It…

Hi Folks,

I completed the 30 day blog challenge and only messed up a little towards the end, I do hope that you enjoyed, that was a lot of sharing.  Yay!

So my life these days, well, just ok.  I fell off track with food last Thursday at a B2B Expo (Trade Show) in Oakville, they had free booze and people wandering around with food, so I helped myself, only 2 small beers over the course of a 7 hour period, and lots of hors d’ouvres.  Then there was Friday night, that was one of my best friends birthday’s it was dinner out with drinks, I had  good meal, I had the salmon and didn’t eat the potatoes, and I drank a lot, then we came back to the house, and continued to drink some more.

Then the rest of the weekend was filled with bad food, bacon and eggs, a bag of cheese popcorn, mint chocolate girl guide cookies,  candy bars from Halloween that I hadn’t cheated on before, you name it I had it…Pizza, Mr. Sub, and Tim Horton’s in one weekend…Yup…I suck.

The rest of my week hasn’t been great, I haven’t weighed myself because the last time I did I was up 2 pounds, so only a 9 pound loss, and I am sure I’m up even more now.  It’s also that time of the month for me, so that’s not going to help.

When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.  It has always been that way, even though I was doing so well, and without, processed food, any grains and sugar, I didn’t crave anything, but it is so hard to get back to that again.

This weekend won’t help either, it is our annual tree decorating weekend and cookie swap.  So you guessed it, there will be cookies, and then us ladies all get together and do more drinking and eating while we catch up.  It is a good night, but this will lead to another week of me being off the rails, and by now, you know me, go big or go home, when I fall, I fall HARD.

Part of me says fuck it…we can start again in January, but the flip side of me says, ok, so you are messing up, it is baby steps and you gotta do this one day at a time, and today is a good day to start again.  I have continued going to the gym, and I’m hoping that is helping, and I really praying that I am burning more calories than I’m eating, however, that would mean that I would have to burn 5 zillion calories in a one hour period at the gym.   Hey, maybe it’s possible..LOL

So, let’s end this on a positive note, so I fucked up.  I got to enjoy crap that I haven’t had for 6-8 weeks, and I have made progress by continuing to go to the gym.  I do feel good, and I can get back to this.  I will get back to this, and I am going to get back to this.  Why does it have to be so fucking hard.

 

Blog Challenge – Day 24

Describe Your Family Dynamic of Your Childhood vs. Your Family Dynamic Now

Well, those that have read my past blogs know that I didn’t have the best home life, my mother was bi-polar and my dad worked evenings so really wasn’t around to protect me from her.   My parents were middle class, both worked, my mother was a hair dresser and my father was a caretaker at a school.  They owned their home and we moved quite a few times, my mother always wanted a bigger and better house.  I was the only child and both my parents were together until I left home the second time when I was 16.  That was when they separated, my mother moved to Israel to look for God and my dad moved to a new house.

My family dynamic today is I am a single mom with 2 kids, I do own my own home and I work.  Right now, we are lower middle class, and I am trying to work my way up the ladder to a better status.  I did go through a depression over the last year, but outside of that, I don’t have any mental health issues, and I have never hurt my children.  I don’t plan on moving from here till my son is starting high school, but I do plan on staying in the area.  My daughter is 22 and still lives at home, where she is probably a little too comfortable, but for now, that’s ok.  There isn’t nearly as much drama in my life now, than in my childhood.  Things are relatively quiet and good, our family is loving and kind and I think I put a lot of what I didn’t have growing up into my life because this is how I wanted my childhood to be.

Blog Challenge -Day 20

Describe 3 Significant Memories From Your Childhood.

  1. I recall one time when my mother was admitted to the hospital.  My aunt brought me there after my Dad and my Uncle had taken her in.  I’m not sure why she did, but I was there.  So, I was about 7 and decided to wander a little.  I turned a corner and saw my mother flailing while strapped down to a bed in a hall, my dad was there and a doctor was going to her with a syringe and then my Aunt pulled me back.  I think it was that moment that I realised my mother was really not well.
  2. The first time I got my period, we didn’t learn about it in health class, and my friends hadn’t gotten theirs yet, and if they did, they didn’t tell me. My mother didn’t warn me and luckily I found out that it had come after school, so there was no outside embarrassment, the only thing is that I seriously thought that I was dying, I had no idea what was happening but seeing what I saw couldn’t be a good sign.  So I called my mother at work, and told her and do you know what she did?  She laughed and laughed, she could barely catch her breath to tell me how to handle it.
  3. When I was 12 I got the chicken pox and I had them really bad, you could not see skin on my back that wasn’t affected. My mother opened up the pull out couch in the spare room and she stayed with me in that bed, she told me that heaven was a beautiful place where you could run through beautiful meadows and all the houses were made of gold.  She gave me medicine and helped me take my mind off itching myself.  I wish that mom was the mother I grew up with all the time.  That is my one really good memory of my mother.

Blog Challenge – Day 18

What Has Been the Most Difficult Thing You Had to Forgive?

This one is tough, I don’t really want to say that I’m not a forgiving person, but I don’t really think that I am.  There are certain things that have happened that I still haven’t been able to forgive.

I have forgiven people, it’s not like I haven’t in the past, and however, it wasn’t typically difficult for me to do, mostly because their actions weren’t something that I couldn’t get past.  There are only a couple of people who have really wronged me, my mother and my ex-husband, and I haven’t been able to forgive them just yet.

I guess, I have to go with my daughter’s father, Jack-Ass, from my more personal blogs, it took a long time, and there are times that I am still quite upset with his actions, but I have forgiven him for being absent in Jessica’s life.  He finally started to take her regularly when she was 10 and to this day – almost 13 years later, he has been there for her.  That’s all I have ever asked is that he be there for her, and I am glad that he is now.

Blog Challenge – Day 8

What Are 5 Passions You Have?

This is going to be a tough one; I don’t feel like I’m very passionate about anything these days.

  1. My kids, they seem to be the top of any list.
  2. My career, I do love my job.
  3. Writing, I enjoy writing, and I enjoy blogging.
  4. Food, I love food, food is my best friend and my worst enemy, but I like to think I am a very good cook, and I’m even getting there with baking too.
  5. The gym, this is a growing passion, right now I am very passionate about the gym, I hope to keep this momentum up, but sometimes, I start something and am passionate for a while, then I stop. I’d like to keep this up.

Blog Challenge – Day 4

List 10 Things You Would Tell Your 16 Year Old Self, If You Could

  1. Don’t quit school
  2. Quit smoking now
  3. Go to University
  4. Don’t become a pregnant teen, I want to preface this with, I do not regret having my kids young. But it did make life a little harder to get through.
  5. Don’t let Nicole go.
  6. Kids are stupid, ignore them.
  7. Learn to speak Japanese, fluently.
  8. You are thin; don’t worry about what your family says. You’ll wish you were this weight again for years to come.
  9. Your mother has serious mental health issues, you’ll have to live with it for now, because there isn’t much you can do, but you will get through it.
  10. The emotions you feel now are relevant for now, but it’s nothing compared to the love, heartache, happiness, sadness, and pride that you will have in your life.

Blog Challenge – Day 2

Describe 3 legitimate fears that you have and explain how they became fears.

This is not in any particular order.

I am afraid of clowns.  As a fact, I am afraid of anything in a costume with a mask, but clowns freak me out the most, and not really the really scary clowns, I find the red nose, red hair, white face, big mouth, circus clowns the most distressing.

I’m not sure where this fear came from, when I went to amusement parks anything dressed up always freaked me out, I don’t recall anything really bad happening, but they just make me very nervous.

I am afraid of butterflies and moths, first they are ugly, and second they fly all over the place, all willy nilly like, and as far as I’m concerned they fly blind and can’t see where they are going and, eww, I’m disgusted as I type, they scare me, and I don’t like them.  Period.

I am mostly afraid of losing my kids, I was afraid of SIDS before Jeffery passed away, but since he passed away, it was more so.  My kids can sleep through anything, you ask the reason why?  Because every night when I check on them before I go to sleep, I put my hand on them, sometimes rouse them a little, sometimes just have my hand over their faces to feel their breath, you get the idea.  They sleep through anything because they are used to being physically checked on while they sleep.  I need to be absolutely sure they are breathing before I go to sleep or I can’t sleep.

Day number 2, done!

Jenn