Well, I Did It…And I Didn’t Do It…

Hi Folks,

I completed the 30 day blog challenge and only messed up a little towards the end, I do hope that you enjoyed, that was a lot of sharing.  Yay!

So my life these days, well, just ok.  I fell off track with food last Thursday at a B2B Expo (Trade Show) in Oakville, they had free booze and people wandering around with food, so I helped myself, only 2 small beers over the course of a 7 hour period, and lots of hors d’ouvres.  Then there was Friday night, that was one of my best friends birthday’s it was dinner out with drinks, I had  good meal, I had the salmon and didn’t eat the potatoes, and I drank a lot, then we came back to the house, and continued to drink some more.

Then the rest of the weekend was filled with bad food, bacon and eggs, a bag of cheese popcorn, mint chocolate girl guide cookies,  candy bars from Halloween that I hadn’t cheated on before, you name it I had it…Pizza, Mr. Sub, and Tim Horton’s in one weekend…Yup…I suck.

The rest of my week hasn’t been great, I haven’t weighed myself because the last time I did I was up 2 pounds, so only a 9 pound loss, and I am sure I’m up even more now.  It’s also that time of the month for me, so that’s not going to help.

When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.  It has always been that way, even though I was doing so well, and without, processed food, any grains and sugar, I didn’t crave anything, but it is so hard to get back to that again.

This weekend won’t help either, it is our annual tree decorating weekend and cookie swap.  So you guessed it, there will be cookies, and then us ladies all get together and do more drinking and eating while we catch up.  It is a good night, but this will lead to another week of me being off the rails, and by now, you know me, go big or go home, when I fall, I fall HARD.

Part of me says fuck it…we can start again in January, but the flip side of me says, ok, so you are messing up, it is baby steps and you gotta do this one day at a time, and today is a good day to start again.  I have continued going to the gym, and I’m hoping that is helping, and I really praying that I am burning more calories than I’m eating, however, that would mean that I would have to burn 5 zillion calories in a one hour period at the gym.   Hey, maybe it’s possible..LOL

So, let’s end this on a positive note, so I fucked up.  I got to enjoy crap that I haven’t had for 6-8 weeks, and I have made progress by continuing to go to the gym.  I do feel good, and I can get back to this.  I will get back to this, and I am going to get back to this.  Why does it have to be so fucking hard.

 

Really?? 1/2 an Effing Pound!

So, I’ve been able to keep up with the blog challenge, that is on the plus side.

Last week, I mentioned, I was going to visit with a friend, my long-time friend, it was her birthday weekend, I was supposed to stay the whole weekend, but as it turned out, she had to go out of town Saturday night, so I only stayed over from Friday till Saturday and then went home Saturday evening.

On Friday night, we had a few beers and I made a spicy pinto bean dip with cheese from my Always Hungry book and we all munched on that, so far so good, carrots and dip.  I hadn’t had beers in a long while, it was a good night, my son loves going to visit his auntie and uncle, they are like big kids themselves, so they have a lot of fun with Devin, watching movies and playing video games, and I got to do a lot of catching up with good friends.  We stayed up to the wee hours of the morning and woke around 11 and went for lunch.

We went out for ramen to an amazing little place called Kenzo Ramen and Saturday for lunch would be the first time that I had grains in about a month.  It was sooo good, like amazingly good.  I ate my whole bowl of Tonkotsu Ramen and it was fantastic.

That was my big cheating weekend, the beers on Friday and the ramen on Saturday.  Because I didn’t end up staying till Sunday, I came home and went back to my normal diet, and didn’t have any more beers.  I even went to the gym on Sunday which would have been impossible had I stayed another night.

I was totally on track all day Monday, and went to the gym and did my first ever spin class.  It was really hard.  I also did another spin class first thing Tuesday morning, after my weigh in, where I was up .5 of a pound.  I know, it’s nothing, and it’s so good for a weekend of cheating, but I was totally and wholly disappointed this morning.  Why does it have to be so hard.  Really, it was a few beers and a bowl of Ramen, and that took away not only from losing anything but it put on half a pound?  Does that make any sense at all?

I feel like I had some wins, but when I am up 1/2 a pound, I feel like I’m doing this for no reason, I could have easily cheated the whole weekend, I could have not gone to the gym and I feel like I would have still been up that 1/2 a pound.  You might say that I might have been up more, but really, we don’t really know that, and I don’t find this fair.  I’m on a bit of a teeter totter right now, and when I feel disappointed, I want to just throw the towel in.  I am really trying to keep going and staying on track and my teeter totter is still going in that direction, but if I get another week like this one, then I know me, I will fall off track and give in to the foods that I actually want to eat, because I will start feeling deprived.

I don’t mind carrying on with a “lifestyle change” as long as I am seeing the benefit, but when I stop seeing changes, and when the scale goes up, then I start to wonder, why the fuck am I doing this?

It was an excellent weekend, but now I feel like I can’t have any of those weekends if I really want to lose the weight, I thought I did so well, staying on track with food the whole time I was there (outside of the light beer) and then it was only the Ramen on Saturday.  If that tipped the scale, what will a binge weekend do?  What will all the upcoming events around the holidays do?  I feel like I can’t have any fun if I want to lose weight.

This was my rant, this week, I am going to stick with it, and I don’t have any plans this weekend to mess things up, so my goal is to get down to 168.  This is only a pound and a 1/2, the 1/2 that I already worked off once, and one extra pound.  Before the end of November, I would like to be at 165.  I’m trying to keep my goals realistic. This is about a pound a week.

just-keep-going

Wish me luck, and if you have any advice, I’d love to hear it.

Jenn

 

Big Wins

I wanted to send out a quick update.  I have been very positive, I have been on track with food, and I have also been getting in some exercise, not a lot of exercise, but some.  This morning was my weigh in day and I am down 2 pounds and 1 inch.

I was surprised, I expected it to be a 1 pound loss, but this loss got me into the 160’s, and I am so happy with that.

Starting weight: 176 (this was the highest I got to as of September 29, 2016)

Weight last week:  171

Weight this week:  169

Total Loss:  7 pounds

I am considering joining a gym, I have been taking 2 Zumba classes a week and paying for each class.  I have just received a free 5 day pass to a Woman’s Fitness and as it turns out, their program, where I can access the facility 7 days a week, and have the use of all the classes, and equipment, is less then what I’m paying for just the 2 classes.  And they also offer Zumba.

I’m a little nervous about my weekend, I have been doing so well, and I am going to be visiting a close friend.  She’s basically my sister.  Anyway, when we get together we drink, and eat and it’s not healthy at all.  I don’t want to get derailed by this, but I want to go and be social, and it’s also her birthday, and I haven’t had a drink in so long, that I might be drunk off just the one.  Anyway, I’m worried, I think I may pack a bean dip that I have a recipe for, it’s a great dip, it doesn’t have sugar, or grains, I can have it and hopefully it will keep me full enough that I won’t want to binge on anything else.

I will have to come up with a plan on how to handle the weekend, and take it from there.  Any advice would be helpful, please comment if you have any thoughts.

Jenn

 

Back To It

So, it’s been a really long time since I have been here.  I apologise, I was not in a good head space, and was not able to blog or get things out.  I’m also not done with letting things go, so I will get back to that soon too.

But today, I am going to update my weight and restart my journey.  I took a long hiatus, and now I am going to get back to it.

This summer I topped out at 175 pounds, this is higher than I have ever been, I hate myself for getting there.  Things hurt, I hate me, and I went to a very dark place.  I spent many weekends on my couch, just watching TV, napping, eating and drinking.  I would tell my friends who wanted to see me that I was busy, and I would sit there in the dark and hate me until I had to leave to pick up my son, or get up and go to work.  I put on a good face for the kids, and walked with them and did things with them, but once they weren’t here for a weekend or a night, I would lose myself in my darkness.

I am down to 172 pounds right now, and I am also down 3 inches in my waist.  It’s not great it’s only 3 pounds, but I’m getting there.

In September, I went to visit a very good friend of mine, Patti, the kids and I went down together, left Canada, and ventured into the US to meet this beautiful soul.  I am so grateful to her, she was the one that propelled me into starting my journey again.  In fact, it was because of her blog, that I am writing tonight.  With Patti’s positivity, she pulled me out of my depression.  She got me back on track and I will always be indebted to her for this.

When I was in the US visiting with Patti, she bought me a book, it’s called Always Hungry  written by Dr. David Ludwig.  I can’t thank her enough.  This is what I have been following for the last few weeks.  I have seen a change in the way I feel, I haven’t been craving the sweets, ice cream, chips and McDonalds that I usually crave.  I’m not counting calories, but I am following the plan the best I can.

I also started Zumba, I go two nights a week, and, I am terrible at it, but I love it.  Another friend of mine introduced me to it, I met her through work, I’m in outside sales, and I called on her so often that we became friends and now we do Zumba together!  🙂

I have also been trying to walk after dinner, with the weather getting colder and wetter lately, it’s not going great, but I do try.  I’m here for the long haul, I am going to try to keep this new way of living up as long as I can.  I need to do this, I need to change me and I want to continue feeling happier, and I want my body not to hurt anymore.

I’m back.

Session 2

momentum

Today, I met with my social worker again, he asked me to write my life story for him and have it ready for next Tuesday when we meet again.  Today, was the first day in a long time that I didn’t binge eat.  Not one cookie, no chocolate, no chips, and no crap.

I probably had a little too much for dinner, which was rice, chicken teriyaki, and some Japanese condiments, with green tea but the small win for today is I made dinner.

My other small win, I went for a walk with the kids, my son rode his scooter, and my daughter and I walked and talked, it was nice, I am hoping that getting out more will help my mood.  The walk was 3.82 km, and I was a little out of breath but this was the first walk in a long time, in fact, this was the closest thing to cardio for a very long time, but I am hoping to get out to do this or another route at least 4 days a week to start.

I wanted to find out how far I was walking so I signed up to Map My Walk:  http://www.mapmywalk.com/ Let me know what you think of this program.

This evening, I have been writing my life story, I am doing it in pen, and I will be blogging each section, to assist me in getting things out.  Apparently, I can talk, but I don’t feel my emotions, when I speak my story.  I don’t know how better to do this, but I am going to do my best to get things out, and do my best to feel me getting these things out.

Wish me luck!

 

 

Diagnosis…

Ok, I’m back, and apparently I need help…As you know, I have been staying away, this is because I put back on 10 of the 17 pounds that I took off, and I have been binging more and more often.  I couldn’t face being here, and telling everyone that I failed.

I wish I could say that I have been trying to stick to a diet, or that I was absent because of work, or that I went on vacation for the past month, but I can’t.  I have spent a lot of time on my couch doing nothing but eating, playing Candy Crush, watching TV, and getting absolutely nothing done, I have no motivation to do anything.  My stomach has been aching and the only thing that fixes this ache is eating and so I decided to go to the doctors last week, because eating a carton of ice cream and pounds of chocolate and many other crappy items, should not make me feel better.

My doctor told me that he is almost 100% certain that I have a binge eating disorder.  Then he proceeded to say that it comes from my anxiety, and he tells me “You haven’t had the easiest 3 decades or so…” and I’m not paraphrasing, I’ve been seeing him as my family doctor since I was 15 so he knows me, and my family and my life!  The only thing was, I didn’t think my last 3 decades were all bad, yes, there were some defining moments, but, I am usually a positive person, I don’t complain much, and I usually keep my head up, so it surprised me that he feels I have had a lot to deal with.  He set me up with a social worker to begin with, and he will discuss possibly medicating at a later date along with the possibility of speaking with a psychiatrist.

Today was my first visit with the social worker, he’s an older gentleman, and seems very nice, and I feel like he wants to help, but I don’t know if he can.  One of the things he said is that I need to feel my pain, I don’t know how to do this.  I thought I did.  He says I need to talk and let things out, well, I talk all the time, I don’t hide anything, there aren’t topics that I don’t discuss, I talk about everything all the time, so I don’t know how to talk about things differently then I’m already talking about them.  He told me I am great at talking, but apparently I am not feeling my emotions.  I laugh too much, he asked me what I would do if I wasn’t laughing, I know what he wanted to hear…cry, right?  But why?  I do cry, but I just met him and didn’t want to come off as this blubbering fool:  “Oh poor, poor, pitiful me, my life is just horrible, please fix me…” My life isn’t horrible, but I’m not happy with me, unhappy is actually an understatement, I hate me right now, the way I look, the way I feel, what I eat, my lack of motivation…I can go on…but why?  He said what would you need to be happy, I said I would need to be 30-50 pounds less, and I would like to make more money.  Apparently, that was the wrong answer.

So, he suggested around 6-8 sessions with him, so I’ll be going once a week for the next 6-8 weeks.

I decided to come back and write about some of my past, some of the crap that I have been through,  I don’t feel like it’s buried, I don’t hide anything, and I talk about the worst things that happened in my life all the time, but I decided to put it all down on here, lay it all on the table, and maybe this will help me to feel the emotion that I am apparently lacking, I hate to sound so depressed, and I am basically here to warn you the next few blogs won’t be happy-go-lucky positive stories that will motivate you.  But apparently, I need to do this for me, and if this helps and the outcome is me 30-50 pounds lighter, then I am going to give it a shot.  I know, I bet that was the wrong answer again.  Apparently, humour is my defence mechanism…